Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We left the knife in your bed.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
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