You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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