Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
