five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
