i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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