True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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