hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
