She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
