I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
