Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I need water and some morals
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