Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
