I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
