Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
