I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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