i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
