why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
