the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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