there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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