there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
babies were throwing up all over the place
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
