News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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