picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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