You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
