Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
