Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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