I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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