You smell like a Billy Joel song
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
