I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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