I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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