Can i not drive my cunt home
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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