But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
