I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
