There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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