It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
