i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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