Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
not ubering you a puppy
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
