Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
