Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
