Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
