The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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