you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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