I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
