So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
