I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
