You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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