just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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