Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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