Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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