We named our party play list daddy issues
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
