I think i peed on brittanys purse
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
