Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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